JUST A DRAFT

I am throwing caution to the wind on this one.

I wanted so much to write a long entry about this. I wasn’t quite sure where to post it. This was primarily intended for my other blog but I was never quite sure. To be brutally honest this way is not how I want to share myself to those who know me, or at least to those who think they do. Please be reminded that this is just a draft. I will try to compose myself so I can gather all the thoughts in a comprehensible manner. Besides, there are always memories we never want to be reminded of. I am still struggling with reason whether to finish this here. I might remove it anytime once it is completed if I think baring that much of my soul is not worth the questions that will come after. And to write it is like reliving it, opening the floodgates. I still doubt whether I am now that strong to survive it again.

As I had previously stated in FB, I am reading the Twilight series again for the nth time. During Twilight, I wanted to make a “review” of my observation why it became a hit. But I got started with New Moon right away. I am almost finished but there are 2 parts in that book that always always make me cry. For some reason, I can totally relate to Bella, of the pain that she went through. How she taught herself to be numb to cover up the pain and how robotically she spent the following months and of course, the nightmares, the holes, the breaking into pieces, EVERYTHING! And like what her father had said, I don’t think anyone will ever be able to grasp the pain that she was in.

Of hidden pain and silent sufferings. 

Skeletons in the closet. 

I have been to hell and back, and back again, and again. All of us are some sort of survivor, though some not as lucky, having to pull ourselves out of some dark cold place at one time or another in our life. Some lasting longer. I truly am amazed how people survive life-wrecking instances like that. And if the saying that “God will not give you burdens that you can’t handle”, why is it then that suicide is increasing at an alarming rate? I am not one to judge those who killed themselves or tried to. You might say it’s the easy way out but it is a way out nonetheless. If you had been to that “dark cold place”, “the abyss”, you would have welcomed death with open arms, for to keep living in such pain is much much worse that death itself. Instinct to survive helps us get through it but our lives are shattered forever. Denial is the common choice. If not for us, then for those around us. It is easier that way. Truth is always harder to face so we turn a blind eye. People around us deny it for it is a like dark cloud that blocks their sunshine. We fake it so much we end up believing the lie…that is until something jerks us and everything suddenly come flying back to us. Then we become so scared realizing that we were not as strong as we thought we were, that we were never over it and that we probably never will. People will say all kinds of positive, optimistic things but unless you’ve survived “that dark cold place”, you will never get it.

(for revision, continuation, or probably deletion)