It takes a lot to scare me. I'm a strong woman. Like Juzy always say - an alpha female. I have always known that I can survive in any environment and excel. New places, beginnings - no problem. So why is it then that after receiving the pre-deployment email last week, I have been a WRECK!
I'm scared not knowing what the future holds for me there.
I'm scared I'm making a huge mistake. For me. For Jong. Most especially Jonnor.
I'm scared Iife will be worse for me there. For us.
I'm scared I will fail.
I'm scared to end up in a lousy company with even lousier co-workers.
I'm scared not being able to be there for Jonnor.
I'm scared something bad will happen to me.
I'm scared of coming back home empty-handed.
I don't know why I'm so worried now when these things doesn't faze me before.
Is it because of Jonnor? Because it's not just about me anymore? There's a human being, a child, who will be affected by any decision I make so I have to ensure that I only choose the best one?
And why am I stressed about these things all of a sudden when it was I who wanted this in the first place? I had worked for this chance! And I waited patiently.
Am I not prepared? I had 17 months of preparation for this!
Isn't this the goal? The lifelong dream of growing old in a 1st world country? So why am I rattled when the time came to officially start it?
I am not able to sleep soundly or eat properly this past week. It's like I'm in a state of panic all the time. I have approximately 17 days left and I don't know where to start or how. I can't think straight. I need more time. Time to get my shit together. Time to mentally and emotionally set myself up for this. But as my batchmate in the US said: "If they say you gotta go, you gotta go!"
I'm scared not knowing what the future holds for me there.
I'm scared I'm making a huge mistake. For me. For Jong. Most especially Jonnor.
I'm scared Iife will be worse for me there. For us.
I'm scared I will fail.
I'm scared to end up in a lousy company with even lousier co-workers.
I'm scared not being able to be there for Jonnor.
I'm scared something bad will happen to me.
I'm scared of coming back home empty-handed.
I don't know why I'm so worried now when these things doesn't faze me before.
Is it because of Jonnor? Because it's not just about me anymore? There's a human being, a child, who will be affected by any decision I make so I have to ensure that I only choose the best one?
And why am I stressed about these things all of a sudden when it was I who wanted this in the first place? I had worked for this chance! And I waited patiently.
Am I not prepared? I had 17 months of preparation for this!
Isn't this the goal? The lifelong dream of growing old in a 1st world country? So why am I rattled when the time came to officially start it?
I am not able to sleep soundly or eat properly this past week. It's like I'm in a state of panic all the time. I have approximately 17 days left and I don't know where to start or how. I can't think straight. I need more time. Time to get my shit together. Time to mentally and emotionally set myself up for this. But as my batchmate in the US said: "If they say you gotta go, you gotta go!"
Huh! It is not like you are going out of the country for the first time to work. You eat English for breakfast so why be afraid going to an English-speaking nation when you didn’t feel the same going to an Arab country? You are going to a place where you have adopted family, friends and cousins not to mention that Hollywood have brought the American culture to the Filipino consciousness. USA is probably the only place in the entire planet where an educated Filipino can go and immediately feel at home.
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