I have been wanting to write for as long as I can remember. This is a yearly New Year's Resolution that I break every year. Hahaha! Before ramadhan started last year, I vowed to write every night. When I came back home from Qatar, I promised to write. I was so happy to be able to work here at SSMC-GW because the workload and schedule will allow me to write almost full-time. I had some friends and relatives who used to read my friendster blog ask if I have a blog since the website deleted its blogs.
Writing isn't my hobby, it's my PASSION. I vowed to fully utilize my secret blog to divulge certain aspects of my life I would never dare let anyone I know know, you know? There are already some posts there written from 5-6yrs ago. And I believe if I write there full-time, it will have more readers there than this one. Believe me, what I will write there will be more interesting. But until now, nothing. I haven't written anything not even in my diary and I swear with all these thoughts and emotions going on inside me coupled with the crazy hormones of pregnancy, I will end up either getting a prenatal depression or lose my mind anytime now. May God help me, if it is right that He should do so (ha!).
2012. This might turn out to be my "strongest year". "Strongest" in the sense that I have to face my demons and try to ALTER my state of mental and emotional and spiritual well-being for the sake of this tiny human being growing inside of me. I have to, for his/her sake, try to hold on to whatever sanity I have left whenever I feel an overwhelming sense of helplessness and hopelessness. I cannot...I can NEVER breakdown. Not now, not ever in the future. I had always secretly prided myself of being able to totally change my emotions or on how to respond to a certain situation, to let go of anything that might hurt or break me. That is not without dire consequences, of course. Sometimes, I don't do it for fear of not being able to act accordingly because I had trained myself to "not care". Like a cheap rubber band that had been stretched to its limit that it wouldn't contract back to its original form. Scary really, even for someone like me. When I feel like I'm hanging by a thread, I just think of this miracle who is totally dependent on me and I gather up everything I have left to make it through the day. I guess that's motherhood. It changes you in ways you never imagined. I will be a hypocrite if I say I am not scared. I AM SCARED TO DEATH everyday! Only now, I cannot make that fear eat me up from inside out. I cannot succumb to that fear. So everyday is a struggle to fight away all negative vibes, to make assurances for myself every night before going to sleep and then again in the morning before I open my eyes. Telling myself over and over again that "I can do this", to have faith, to believe, and that everything is going to be alright.
With that said, I am going to end my first blog post with this:
"Everything is going to be alright."
Writing isn't my hobby, it's my PASSION. I vowed to fully utilize my secret blog to divulge certain aspects of my life I would never dare let anyone I know know, you know? There are already some posts there written from 5-6yrs ago. And I believe if I write there full-time, it will have more readers there than this one. Believe me, what I will write there will be more interesting. But until now, nothing. I haven't written anything not even in my diary and I swear with all these thoughts and emotions going on inside me coupled with the crazy hormones of pregnancy, I will end up either getting a prenatal depression or lose my mind anytime now. May God help me, if it is right that He should do so (ha!).
2012. This might turn out to be my "strongest year". "Strongest" in the sense that I have to face my demons and try to ALTER my state of mental and emotional and spiritual well-being for the sake of this tiny human being growing inside of me. I have to, for his/her sake, try to hold on to whatever sanity I have left whenever I feel an overwhelming sense of helplessness and hopelessness. I cannot...I can NEVER breakdown. Not now, not ever in the future. I had always secretly prided myself of being able to totally change my emotions or on how to respond to a certain situation, to let go of anything that might hurt or break me. That is not without dire consequences, of course. Sometimes, I don't do it for fear of not being able to act accordingly because I had trained myself to "not care". Like a cheap rubber band that had been stretched to its limit that it wouldn't contract back to its original form. Scary really, even for someone like me. When I feel like I'm hanging by a thread, I just think of this miracle who is totally dependent on me and I gather up everything I have left to make it through the day. I guess that's motherhood. It changes you in ways you never imagined. I will be a hypocrite if I say I am not scared. I AM SCARED TO DEATH everyday! Only now, I cannot make that fear eat me up from inside out. I cannot succumb to that fear. So everyday is a struggle to fight away all negative vibes, to make assurances for myself every night before going to sleep and then again in the morning before I open my eyes. Telling myself over and over again that "I can do this", to have faith, to believe, and that everything is going to be alright.
With that said, I am going to end my first blog post with this:
"Everything is going to be alright."
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